Friday, March 03, 2006

Instant Karma's Come and Got Me

So last night I went to go to bed, later than I wanted to, but because of church web stuff and reading a scene of Sara's, not because of blogging. When I tried to lie down I suddenly noticed a fair amount of pain in my right hamstring in the back of my thigh. This is the leg that wasn't bothering me much at all - until now. It hurts to sit, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to stand, and it especially hurts to walk. And I'm sitting here at work, with a sudden strong urge to cry.

I knew I needed to get my life under control, diet and work out and get more sleep, or face the consequences - someday. Did "someday" really have to be the winter of 2006, just before my 49th birthday? Or am I just feeling sorry for myself for no reason?

Well, back to work. Maybe my iPod and data entry will distract me from my sudden misery. But it hasn't so far.



Listen, I know that nothing positive on the test results was good news, up to a point. It probably rules out most of the worst possible causes of the edema. I also know that other people, including my own brother, have more serious medical issues than mine - probably. But how can I deal with any of this if I don't know what the bleep's going on? Sure, lose weight, blah blah, more exercise, blah blah, get some sleep. Yeah, I know, and I'm working on it - maybe not full tilt boogie yet, but it's a start. But how can I get back to the gym if I can barely walk?

I'm also a little troubled that I'm getting these unexpected bursts of negative emotion, when I feel something like tears behind my eyes at inappropriate moments over next to nothing. Is this something hormonal, a sign that the cruel lie of my dubious fertility is coming to an end? Or am I just overextended, emotionally as well as physically?

Well, I'm home, anyway, and I've taken my ibuprofen and I'm in less pain now. The weekend beckons - sleep, reading, maybe some writing, and only a couple hours at the office. I'm generally a rational person, not someone who flounders endlessly in feelings without trying to resolve the cause of the problem. I can get through this phantom crisis, with or without a pulled hamstring, which John thinks may be due to overdoing the potassium and magnesium. Heck, maybe my unstable emotions are an electrolyte problem.

Never mind.



Tess said...

Good luck with whatever the physical findings. I hope that they get to the sources and sounds that alot is ok.
Remember that tiger inside was Grrreat!

bea said...

Yeah, I hear Tess... but allow that even Tigers have to recuperate when they have overextended. Wait until your legs are better to do any serious walking, but follow doctor's orders about other exercises... my doctor keeps telling me that's what I need to do as well. It's just difficult to fit it in when the schedule of day is already filled, and I want to rest when I get home, do something for ME! Well, yeah, the exercise is for me too, but I hate exercising... it hasn't proved to be very interesting, not like other things I'd rather be doing. GIve yourself time to heal... patience is needed, and compassion for yourself, the same that you would extend to others, extend toyourself. Love to you and your brother. I hope he is getting better. Bea

DEREK said...

I know how that tiger inside can wear us out at times. Hope for you much rejuvanation!